...how do you speak surrounded by liars

just give me a second to fathom why the world always seems to find a way to piss me off...

i dont even want my young family to grow up and realize that...

 people are stupid, 

the world is dying every day, 

and status has the loudest voice of all. 

lets just spit on the hopes and dreams of our ancestors...

stomp on the hard work and blood shed for where we are today. 

do you really think that enough progress has been made? 

we are crawling towards a forgotten tomorrow. 

we dont know what we are working for, brainwashed by the nonsense, motivated by the bright lights. 

how do you speak surrounded by liars? 

how do yo pray in a room full of atheist? 

how do you live when the ground is crumbling beneath you and the sky is falling above you?

...because in america we die young

Please forgive me

For the pages of my history have been ripped out

Formed into a forgotten manifestation of time,

And stowed away in the yesterdays of my past.

My ancestors cry.

Another generation lost and blind

Through cobwebs and dust bunnies

My heart pulsates through the text of history

Burning through layers and layers of false contentment

But privilege continues to paralyze the fight in our community

Hoses down progress and spits on opportunity

My heart beats in vigorous anticipation for change

But nestled within my confident demeanor

Reluctance!

A toxin to our society, constrains

Because in America we die young

Mocked by the steps to anywhere,

In an attempt to go somewhere

Privilege topples the fragment of opportunity that exist upon my fingertips

We continue to fight against the tide,

But I still dream in tomorrows.

As hope simmers in my tocks,

As ambition carries my ticks

I am motivated by my grandmother’s voice of conviction and peace

But some days can feel like years of unforeseen burdens

As bloodlines are dismembered by systematic failures

Who are we to turn to?

Because in America we die young

Brainwashed by perfectly orchestrated hypocrisies

True challenges are not left to the imagination

But upon the doorsteps of progress

Between the fine line of persistence and dedication

Who am I to reach beyond my means?

To dream through the hands of time

My ancestors’ tears keep my dreams afloat

I refuse to lose sight of the prize

I apologize for the inconvenience

My heart beats with vigorous anticipation for change

I fear we have more yesterdays than tomorrows

As we lose sight of our reality today

One day my granddaughter will read…

In America we die young

...around the riverbend

i fear that the two biggest decisions of my immediate life have risen into the works beyond my control.

Dreams never seem to fall far from the tree...

Evidence Submission 1: I dreamed about the one thing I am "pending" in my current times. I dreamed about my first year in medical school. Pure happiness and unwavering beauty. I dreamed my hard work had paid out. My hope had finally transformed into a dream come true. I loved it. I took that dream with stride and kept the motivation towards such an uncertain goal.

Evidence Submission 2: I dreamed of love. Not just simple love. I dreamed of marriage. Like the wedding. Scary. I know I will get married one day but I NEVER had a dream about it. I woke up thinking "did I really just dream about marriage" I don't even think about that on a daily basis like medical school. But I know when the time comes, the time comes.

Follow up of 1: Hopefully in one year this is a dream come true. Literally! It's always on my mind because I am working towards it. I am, at times, uncomfortable with the uncertainty, but I trust and have the passion to move forward.

Follow up of 2: Yea, I have no idea when this is to come to pass. I don't even have a boyfriend yet. I have friendly relationships with potential, but I never initiate just appreciate. Maybe I should change that. I did think about that tendency a couple days ago, but I didn't think I would dream about marriage like I did last night. What am I suppose to do?

Maybe we keep going in circles, maybe I am making something out of nothing. Maybe I will put a cherry on top of the relationship, maybe I won't, maybe I am scared, concerned, afraid of losing the friendship. Maybe I should be. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. (Reminds me of Marsha, Marsha, Marsha lol).

When it comes to relationships I have too much patience for the maybe and not enough courage to prevent the what if. But life is about putting yourself in uncomfortable situations in order to make progress. But that's a lot of pressure to put on a relationship. It makes NO sense to start a relationship when the notion of marriage! Marriage is futuristic, but maybe love can happen now. In due time...

...laughter embedded between tears

If laughter sometimes leads to tears, why cant all tears lead to laughter. All hard work lead to success and all obstacles lead to triumph. Tears may be shed in the process, even blood (though unlikely) may be shed. Nothing is beyond the reach of achieving a dream. But in order to do this I must focus, I must work on myself. Through these tears laughter will rise in appreciation of the moments of tomorrow and yesterday. So...

I am working on myself. 

Not my family, my friend, or that stranger over there. 

I am working on myself.

That is nothing against everyone else. But how can I not choose to work on myself? Life is a domino effect, nothing happens without affecting something else. 

Newton's Third Law: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

So when I have my stuff together, then the world will be affected (hopefully positively). I am not shooting for complete and utter satisfaction in order for the world to reap the benefits. No, I am taking it one day at a time. 

Small successes for the greater good. 

Attempting to define and fulfill my "purpose" in the world. Even though purpose sounds so deep and ambiguous, its the most appropriate term in this situation. 

Answering an unasked question without actually answering the question, the story of my life.

...beat up newspapers and burnt out candles

it used to smell like roses
freshly picked from the afternoon
there once was time for laughter
but somethings missing from this room
the sun shines like a lantern
flickers through the ticks
as tocks roll off the sofa
as dust settles, silence sticks

there was hope on the windowsill
happiness in the frame
nothing ever feels quite right
the minutes after rain
the day was once so beautiful
a moment to remember
but nothing feels like spring time
when its the middle of december

i closed my eyes and dreamed
that this day would pass more soon
i vowed to never speak
my heart motioned a new tune
your presence now a fragile doll
embedded in my mind
caution takes its toll on me
i wished youd send a sign

are you happy where you are
do you think of me the same
my tomorrows are so tangled
i fear i wont remember your name
ill place you where i wont forget
where nothing will interfere
with the many joys you brought to me
ill hold your love so dear

my life is no a commercial
i can not change the channel
ill keep you like a hoarder
next to the beat up newspapers
and burnt out candles

...secret avenues and alleyways

sometimes you have to put yourself in uncomfortable positions in order to see a change...the world is a concoction of uncomfortable positions but the demeanor at which people approach these moments dictates the outcome...courage is the root of progress and fear is its fire but its not what keeps success burning through time

i have to be my own match, my own light, my own fire...no one is going to define my success other than myself...and no one should

many days i keep my mouth shut about a lot of things...about a number of people...and about many situations...it could be because of respect or the lack there of....it could be the time and the desire not to waste it...but how can i say this unstereotypically and politically correct....the only race i am trying to advance is the black race...everything else is a resource to get to where i want to be...because like my forefathers im working to stay in the game and still knocking on the door waiting to get in at times

now i know that i have it better than my family of yesterday...i understand that...but who is going to tell me that its all sunshine and roses everywhere i go...no they stopped blatantly mocking us a while ago...now its all a facade...they mock us in silence...handing us a ticket to disappoint as they watch in the box seats..applauding the show...elagantly and classically smiling at the modern day sambos

but its okay, i will make my way, and smile as i pass you saying have a nice day

its not your fault...its your naive acceptance of the roles dealt out in this society...its not your fault...its your ignorance when it comes to the contrasting starting lines...its not your fault....its your reluctance to speak when it comes to your handed success in secret avenues and alleyways

...eagles dont hang with chickens

DREAM BIG or go home!!!

It's that simple! If everyone is so reluctant to try and fail then no success will ever come from a situation. So I put myself out there, in an uncomfortable position to get what I wanted. I thought that the people around me, black, white, old, and young, deserved an opportunity to be motivated to get what they wanted, no matter their situation.

Reluctance is the death of our society! 

Can you ever fail too much? That's like asking, can you ever learn too much? Life is a classroom and you miss everything if you arrive too late, you fail if you dont try, and you die if you are content with failing. I am not going to sugar coat the truth. No one has time for that.

If you arent trying to make a difference and add value then you are failing at your purpose in life, whatever that may be. Dont sell yourself short before you even start reach for the "dream/hope/goal".

I know what I want and what I have conflict with each other. Like oil and water they dont quite blend. I am not going to waste my time shaking it up with the hopes of making a homogenous mixture. No, I dont have time for that. My glass will be half full of what I want and I will continue to fill it with what I always need.

...tightropes and paperweights

sometimes the ticks dont easily run into tocks

sometimes nights cant come fast enough

sometimes days dont come soon enough

sometimes im worried

but right now

im scared

-----------------------------------

sometimes i wonder if i want it too much

sometimes im afraid i dont want it enough

sometimes im confident in what ive done

sometimes im ashamed of what i havent

sometimes i know i will work it out

but right now

im scared

---------------------------------------------

Its all a balancing act and I'm trying not to fall, not to breathe too suddenly, or move too quickly. It's not as easy as people paint the picture. They tend to leave out the feeling of discomfort.

I feel uncomfortable. 

What I want, need, and will get, may differ so drastically that I will not be able to decipher between the reality of my situation. No one said it would be handed on a plate to me. No one said I will have to lose in order to ultimately gain. No one said it would feel like this. No one told me I would be this scared. 

No one said I would feel like I was on a moving training being told to jump or a tightrope being pushed to move. No one said I would feel like I was on the edge of almost and not enough every day. No one said I would not regret my decision, but question if my next one would be worth it or not. 

No one said.

Maybe I wasn't listening. Maybe my daydreams got in the way of the reality of the situation. Maybe my optimism was too blind to be realistic and anticipate the mountain I was trying to move. Maybe it's my fault for dreaming too big, reaching too far, hoping too long. 

Maybe it's me.

But I can't help myself. Even with this overwhelming feeling of discomfort I have courage. My fear is silenced as I wake up striving to get just a little bit closer. I am not really a fan of the idea of being content with what I may settle for. No!

If I jump, I am committing myself like an arranged marriage, reluctant at first, but hopeful and confident that it will work out to be the best decision of my life. 

If I fall, it won't simply be from standing. No, I will be flying even with gravity being the only thing working against me.

...ladybugs on windowsills

days are nothing more than moments of time waiting to be taken a hold of, clinched, grasped, and hung from the doorsteps of our passions, dreams, and desires.

i never knew anyone that wanted something as bad as him...you could see the fire in his eyes and the passion in his heart....his soul sang with such conviction...he takes his moments as they come, twisting and turning them into the next stepping stone to achieve his dream...it's beautiful

when i see him he is my ladybug on the windowsill...my sunshine on a rainy day...he is wishful thinking come true...he is day dreams in the afternoon...and sunsets in the morning...impossible is nothing

...seven seconds til take off

if you're not working with me, you're working against me

I always have this feeling that if anything good or bad were to happen then it would happen in seven seconds. Seven, the unlucky lucky number. I am not cautious because I always think something bad will happen. No. I am cautious because I can't help but wonder what's next. What should I be prepared for? Would it help to be prepared? What is preparation anyway? And with caution, I am accompanied by fear. I am scared. It's that easy.

I do want it. Whatever it eventually is? I have my ideas but it's so out of my control and in my control at the same time that I am going crazy.


Conveniently uncomfortable is the story of my life. 


A teetering balancing act that continues to pick up the pieces...i am trying...i am a working progress. If tomorrow wasn't so cloudy then maybe I could have more confidence in the coming ticks. But no. I keep stumbling between today hoping i will fall into the moment of my life. I only have seven seconds til take off...what will i do? what should i do?

...one day youll read this

There always comes a time when nothing you think matters, really doesn’t matter.

So there comes a time…when everything is beautiful, yet confusing. I don’t know what’s going on. But I do know why a caged bird sings. I have always known. They say because it once was free, literally free to roam, to get lost, to fall and get up. But that’s not it. A caged bird sings because it knows what freedom feels like, emotionally…mentally… personally. Physical freedom is relative (conveniently and situationally defined) and still restricting. Emotional-Mental-Personal freedom is freedom in its purest form. Internal. Uncontested. Unbiased. Freedom.

I want freedom. Everyday I feel like driving. I hate driving. I love driving. I want to put gas in the car (with no financial limitations) and just go. Not run away (people don’t run away the run towards). Just drive. Towards a timeless destination…for however long…with no one in particular...with someone (optional)…completely for myself in an unselfish way. Have you ever passed by a city and wondered what the people were like? I want to stop in those cities. See and hear what makes life worth living for everyone and anyone that will give me the time of day. I always wonder if I told my story (assuming I have one worth telling) would someone truly listen. Would they be interested? Intrigued? Disgusted? Something? It takes time to find out if your story is worth telling. To find out what really matters. I don’t want to sing, that would be the death of me.

Again. There comes a time when nothing you think matters. The clothes you put on are stitched fabric no matter how you wear it. The food you eat will be decomposed by bacteria in your stomach no matter how much you spend on it. The tomorrows of today mean nothing unless you make yesterdays worth remembering. Time is the only thing that matters. Ticks. Tocks. Nothing matters but time matters. But even time is relative. Measurable. Priceless. Confusing in a “what came first the chicken or the egg” type of way. Because time isn’t simply about the ticks or the tocks. It’s about the moments. The moments that make a life worth living, remembering, experiencing.

So I want to drive. I want to take, steal, permanently borrow time and drive. I want to embrace the moments that come to me. Drive. Let time be the only thing that can catch up to me. I want to live. Not in a fairy tale type of way but a “I would not have it any other way” type of way. Everything happens for a reason. Some people are rich by effort or by inheritance. Some people are talented by hard work or chance. Some people are blank by this or that. Well I am not some people. I am me. Good old me. Hand crafted flaws and perfect imperfections. So I say, everything happens for a reason. I want to have the awareness to embrace these occurrences. Not necessary understand because that could literally take a lifetime.

Everyone has a story.

There are billions of millions of stories out there. I am one. I can’t write my story. I can influence it and I can document it. I can not write it. I can turn pages. I can take my time and drive slow. Nothing matters but time matters…but time doesn’t really matter, moments matter. The moment a caged bird sings is the moment when time is being lost between the ticks waiting to exhale into the fabric of life