Day 12 of 50 days of summer....i think

So going home for a weekend completely through me off. Computer access wasnt on my mind so I stopped my 50 days of summer trend. The wedding I went to just made me think of how I want mine to be. It was nice to hang out and eat with family. Working on my application is harder than I thought. I dont want to do it most of the time because its tedious. I got some medical books from the library to learn some things about medicine and being a doctor. They are interesting. I want to be ready for interviews.

Day 4 of 50 days of summer

The Ann Arbor Art Fair is underway and every where. There are a lot of sales at local places but the art fair itself is expensive. I thought about buying something but they line was too long and not worth the sale. The biggest thing is that it is so so hot this week. Like 90 plus. I met up with a good friend today and just caught up talking about random stuff from school to life to friends. There are some people that you know will be in your life for a long time. People who arent just characters in a chapter but potentially part of the novel. I love good friends!

I even made dinner today. Cooking in the summer is fun because I have the time but not fun its adding heat to heat. I like doing things when a sudden urge comes to me. It probably gets me most of the stupid problems I have but it always gives me peace and ease at the same time because I am doing what I want when I want.

Day 3 of 50 days of summer

This day was one of the task days. The day I would be very productive. My main thing today was my med school application. The information part,  a lot of typing and rambling about what I have done. The first step at least, next I need to review what I wrote and make it sound legit. Along with the information part I ordered my transcript so that they can tell me how not so good my grades are. But I dont care Im still applying.

Other than my application. I was hot, really hot today!! So I tried to stay out the heat. To top it all off watched some more Prison Break. I am semidetermined to finished the series this summer. Watching series on Neflix is so much better than waiting weekly. But I am mad at Netflix for doubling their price.

Day 2 of 50 days of summer

Everyday I wake up with a goal. Thats the least I can do with myself. Today I wanted to start reading a some book. I kind of have a list of books I want to read for the summer. I think the best knowledge is hidden in books just waiting for someone to informed.

I decided to start with an easy read or more like a past fail. I started The Fire Next Time for the second time. To top it off I started reading it out loud to work on my reading out loud skills. Which I honestly know I am terrible at, but hey at least I know. The book so far is a pretty good book. Its about a man who writes a letter to his nephew about basically being black in America. So there is a lot of truth and hypocrisy in it.

Reading outside on the porch while the cars were passing felt good once the I got used to the heat. I really want to work on listening to the world. Take a step back and enjoy nature.

Plus I started another TV series Prison Break :).

Summer reading...

Day 1 of 50 days of summer

Yesterday after my test felt beautiful. I called up my friend. We ate then I went to the mall to treat myself to some summer dresses. I deserved it. Right? Months of studying came down to a 5 hour test. That will determine the next course of my journey to becoming a doctor. Talk about pressure. But I felt okay. My friends helped take my mind off of the fact that I have to wait a month for my scores by hanging out and just talking. Its really the simple things that make up the beauty of life. After a day filled of relaxing I drove back and got home around 1am. I really wanted to sleep in my bed and wake up in my house. I wanted to feel relaxed and refreshed for the next phase of this season of life.

When I look back at this weekend I will ask myself one question. Why did you clean your room the first morning after your test? My thought, why not? It was looking ridiculous and its hard to enjoy freedom in a mess. So I packed, straightened and got my room going in the right direction to move out in a couple of weeks. (I know that will be a bittersweet day. Not because I love this house, I could care less. Its because my roommates will be moving on to their next steps. Crazy but good.)

I got to watch soccer with some friends today. It was a great game! The FIFA Women's World Cup Final with USA and Japan. (Soccer is the only girl sport that I can watch that doesnt weaken the sport because of the limited ability that girls possess when it comes to athleticism.) The game went to penalty kicks and I must say the US were horrible at it. It was sad. But Japan got a solid win in the end. During the game I thought in the back of my mind how it just felt good to relax and not worry about the sacrifice a moment of fun had when it came to studying for "that one test".

For the 50 days of summer I have a few things planned that will be really sweet. Texas will be a blast and I am really excited to go rock climbing. I want to read more medical oriented and leisure books. I need to fix my guitar string so I can actually play it this summer. I have to learn to play this summer! It sucks that I feel that it is necessary to say I have a guitar but I cant play it.

I met someone today when I went to hang out with my friends. I assumed by the end of the convo that he was a doctor. But he began his post introduction convo basically saying that I shouldnt be a doctor.

1. That was bold considering you are one. So you are saying your unhappy and your not going to change your lifestyle.
2. People have different motivations to be a doctor, different goals, and desired pathways.
3. I respect what you have to say. At least you have the sacrifice to back up your statement. But really?I I think that its really weird to just come straight out and say that. But I appreciate the honesty.

He could have at least just said that you should really take the time to think about why you want to be a doctor and how it will change your life, for the better and worse.

Yes. One of my concerns with becoming a doctor is questioning how I will feel when I become one. What will change and what will be sacrificed but I also think about what will be gained and enhanced because of it. I know with what every I do in life or work to do I will have concerns with whether or not it is the right thing to do or if its what I really want to do. The way I see it, I should at least try and see what happens.


I would rather try and fail then regret and wonder. My happiness will not be dictated by the actions of others but by my actions and respect for what I want in life. My happiness is simply my happiness and has nothing to do with how others feel about my actions. At the end of the day, I am answering to myself. So if I fall I will fall hard on my knees and no one elses. 

Embrace new phases, they are the fuel of life.

50 days of summer

Right now I have this urge to write. I can finally come up for air after putting all my time and energy into the next step of fulfilling my dream. The MCAT. I took it yesterday and felt motivated while I was taking it because I basically knew that I could get my summer back and start lining up the next pieces of my life after I had finished. Luckily, (crossed fingers) I felt pretty good about it. Not awesome. But consistent. It didnt seem like a curve ball, just a straight forward pitch.

So now I want to write. I want to express anything and everything that has been building up or is about to happen. I thought about starting a new blog because it would be like pulling out a clean sheet of paper only internet style but I opted against that. I like used paper, past doodles, and the ease of familiarity.

They (not sure who they are) say blogging tends to have more direction when there is a deadline for something, when there is a reason other than the idea of blogging to just be blogging.

So I gave myself a deadline slash direction.

I have 50 days of summer left, correction I fell like my summer is now beginning so there isnt anything left, there just are 50 days of summer for me. 

My plan is simple. Write everyday for 50 days about my summer. My post MCAT summer. My 50 days of summer "bucket" list that exist but doesnt exist all the time. I have things I want to do and things I will do just not things I feel I have to do before the summer is over. 

Let my summer begin...

Hopefully it is a memorable one filled with good thoughtful insight and interesting experiences. 

...opposites attract

Opposites attract

As her mahogany skin

Is consumed by the shadows of the door frame

She does not pause

She does not hesitate

To the souls of her surroundings

She speaks silence

As her heart punctuates her thoughts

With silent question marks

The palms of her feet

Move in no particular direction but away

Upon the edge of her perspective

She finds the nerve to smile

For the moon guides her

Towards her unknown destination

Left right left

Yes no yes

In the crevasses of her ticks

She loses track of time

Storing it in her back pocket

For safe yet forgetful keeping

Under her bed

She hid her concerns

Next to her efforts to

Strategically package her thought process

Another failed attempt

To pass along her mindset to the ordinary

To give the public a glimpse

Lost tocks float down a sea of hypocrites

Misused breaths lay dormant in suspended misinterpretation

She gave up on the others

Turning the focus towards one

Wishing she wasn’t the only one who understood her

Train tracks never felt so welcoming

Night settles upon open fields

As streetlights shine light on secrets

And create darkness for truths

She doesn’t walk

She travels

Between forgotten moments

And regretted memories

She doesn’t speak

She listens

As her mind deciphers the silence of the noise

And the lies intertwined in truths

Coming to terms with the realization

That those she once thought understood

May be the farthest from understanding

And it hurts

A fragment of disappointment bringing down a kingdom of hope

Broken branches forced into unforgiving positions

Their understanding is fractionally existent

She accepts the consistency

She thinks

There is no such thing as “just a walk”

Just understanding some thoughts automatically

Wavers anonymous lost knowledge

The world turns slower

Like clock work comfort settles

For space carries peace for lost souls in a crowd of hypocrites

They should pray one day she returns

For her senses leave her speechless

But her nature gathers the courage

To speak beauty lost in translation

As her patience lays thin

Yet opposites attract

Her mahogany skin

May once again grace the shadows of the door frame

As she passes with no hesitation

And does not pause

But who’s to say she doesn’t return to the door frame

Where opposites attract

Leaving to secretly search

For the peace she yearns to find

Under the moonlight

And inside the footprints

Of her steps yet to be taken

Wishing someone understood

The complexity of her simplicity

"what's wrong?"...

in the crevasses of my own life 
you ask: "what's wrong?"
i answer: "you scare me and i like it"
i think: "you take me for who i am" 

you are like the sun caressing the earth's bosom
surrendering, embracing the unknowns
shining light on the forgotten
appreciating true beauty

you answer: "i am in love with your perfect 'imperfections' "
you thought: "you are my utopia"

...trust me im faking

I dont know if people understand my true inability to really trust people. I often find myself acting like I trust the situation but in the back of my mind I am always looking for a way out (just in case). Its not that I dont like you, I probably love you, its that when you bring people into your own world there is such a high level of vulnerability that its difficult to relax. I may seem relaxed but I have really just practiced enough to show comfort in the uncomfortable. It maybe from the past or the uncertainty of the future that makes me feel this way. 


Even the relative trust that I am able to give is the last thing given and the first to go. 


When I digress from a situation its not because I dont like you its because I am slowly removing the fragment of trust that existed between us. I can still smile when the time comes. I can still laugh when things present themselves. But I can not pretend to have trust when I have this feeling of reluctance and a lack of confidence in a person I thought I knew. 

...love her

in the morning mist

love her

she understands 

your silence

appearing untouchable

her emotions are condensed

suspended in her mind

no one 

feels her pain

she smiles

stubborn

to her own truth

crying heartbeats

weeping forgiveness

she'll be good tomorrow

or next week 

maybe later

dont hesitate

on the rainy afternoons

love her

she recognizes

your honesty

because

no one

has the capacity

because

a daughter feels

her strength

immeasurable 

her courage

understated

in the evening dust

love her

she sees you

she loves you

...maybe in the morning

The sunrises and the sunsets. There is asymmetric symmetry in how the world works and how it turns. Today I believed in myself and now I am not sure what I believe in. I don't know where I am heading or who I am going to be the next time the sun sets and the following moment the sun rises. I am trying to make sense of my confusion. Trying to decipher through the mess of my own circumstances. I am trying and I feel that some moments I am failing. HARD. But I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I can do anything about it. I just want what I want with the security of knowing I will get it. Maybe I am working to hard for something I won't get.

Someone once said "once something good is happening in your life then something else takes the counter and falls apart". Does this apply to friendships? Maybe even education?

I really think I am going in the right direction. I really think I am working toward something I want. But I don't think it will be as straightforward as I hope. I think that I will have to take an unconventional path in order to end up where I thought I would be originally. Do I have time for that? What is time?

Maybe I will understand in the morning. Maybe I will be able to get out of bed and just know what's going on. Maybe I will be stepping in the right direction. Maybe I won't fall on my a** and lay there hysterically. Maybe I will jump high and run fast in the way of success.

...it doesnt take a soldier to recognize a war

unlike the feeling of a summer breeze or winter chill upon ones face, you dont have to be in a physical war to realize there is a war.

War is relative and sometimes one sided

[Be observant

Be aware

Be cautious]

You are in a war every single day. You are fighting for your tomorrow so you can live today better than your yesterday. 

You are fighting, whether you want to or not.

I hope you win the war because everyday is a battle.

Look into your own eyes, 

it doesn't take a soldier to recognize a war

...somewhere beautiful

I don't know what I was doing. I planned for anything to happen but expected nothing. I filled up my tank, turned on my engine and drove in the direction that felt "right". This direction was conveniently away from everything I knew and anyone I had previously encountered. It felt SO good to just drive away, but I felt like I was really running away. I being relaxed in my motion of solitude. My mind was clearing and my heart felt less heavy though I still felt confused I literally rolled with it.

I turned when it seemed like a good time. I explored where it looked to be interesting. I did this from 11 pm to almost 1 am. I drove away and anywhere. I think I have the habit of making something small a concern but I took the time to just do it, no real questions asked, no one knew I was gone (I am sure they cared). I asked my friends to pray for me because my driving spree didn't seen quite right. It was a bittersweet feeling to know I committed myself to driving (away). I wish I knew why. I think that would really help, maybe. I wish for  a lot of things but only a mustard seed come true.

I want to YELL at the top of my lungs. I want to DRIVE to anywhere and everywhere. I want to BREATH the air of peace of mind. I want to SEE love at its finest. I want to BE exactly who I should be.

...the fault lied in your eyes

I am running toward everything and anything...
I can get my hands on that will support my efforts to fulfill my dreams.

I AM TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

In simple terms...

I am about to exceed previous expectations, knock down unforeseen walls, and walk down untravelled paths. I am about to make MY dream a reality. I am about to get mine because of one reason, I want it!

Everyday is another step closer, another moment of hesitation overwhelmed with courage in the impossible. Everyday is getting me there and every night is pushing me closer. I don't know what it is. I know I am afraid of what tomorrow brings but I am also excited. I have my doubts but they are society driven and not personally supported.

I know what I know and I don't know what I don't know....

and I know I WILL MAKE IT. 

I have no reason not to. I have no reason to turn around. I have nothing to fall on. I am in the process of building. An unfinished house is not a home but a failed attempt to but in the time for what you wanted.

I am putting myself in those places I think I need to be.
Presenting myself the best I know how...genuine.

Everyday I remind myself of the next BIG goal and then the vision afterwards. 

Everyday is a painful reminder that I am not there yet.

Everyday is a joyous recognition that the journey is the most fulfilling part. 

Everyday I hope....Everyday I wish....Everyday I dream....

Everyday I close my eyes and imagine...

That today is finally that day....

The day my feet begin to walk down another unwritten path

Everyday I look at the world around me....I see their dying soles....

the forgetful appreciations for life...

Everyday I see I understand that the fault lied in your eyes when you told me you wanted it...your passion had died...your wishes had faded...and youve been "awake" too long to actually dream

Everyday the person I don't want to be is looking at the person I dream of being

        motivating....intimidating...she has the fire in her eyes...borderline tears...   

                because she knows I WILL leave her behind

...give me 10 minutes

You never think you are missing something until you build up the courage take a moment and lose it. In your honesty you recognize how important it is to you and from that point on are driven to never actually lose it, to keep it as close as possible.

Well, that is you, at least I think.


I have never been one to hold back but when it comes to real things, I am a coward. I can't handle the suspense and mystery. I can't handled the feeling of looking over the cliff hoping I don't fall. (But at least I stepped up in a quite storm kind of way.)

I am waiting to exhale in your arms. (If you will have me)

There are those that make you smile, then there are those that are your smile.

[Part of me wishes you would find this one day.
-------Part of me wishes it was good "etiquette" to put it all in one basket
--------------Part of me wishes I could just send it to you in words. (I love words). ]

I hope one day I won't wish you'd read my letters, but instead write them with me.

You'd understand so much.

It would explain my nervousness, my forwardness, my excitement, my passiveness.

It would explain me with you. 

Can I really be that scared? This is sad.

Hypocrite signing off....

...can we be imperfect together?

can we be imperfect together?

play our love song in time's forever

mess up notes and sing off key

will you put the us in me?

can we be imperfect together? 

seal our moment in a letter

shoot down stars and dance in rain

keep my thoughts borderline insane

can we be imperfect together?

your presence, my hidden treasure

hand crafted flaws in every stitch

trusting you, a momentary bliss

can we be imperfect together?

explore the unknown of the nevers

give in to uncertain endeavors

let the love song last forever

can we be imperfect together? 

can we be?

imperfect together? 

can we be?

[forever insane hidden treasures]

[love letter crafted uncertain]

...how do you speak surrounded by liars

just give me a second to fathom why the world always seems to find a way to piss me off...

i dont even want my young family to grow up and realize that...

 people are stupid, 

the world is dying every day, 

and status has the loudest voice of all. 

lets just spit on the hopes and dreams of our ancestors...

stomp on the hard work and blood shed for where we are today. 

do you really think that enough progress has been made? 

we are crawling towards a forgotten tomorrow. 

we dont know what we are working for, brainwashed by the nonsense, motivated by the bright lights. 

how do you speak surrounded by liars? 

how do yo pray in a room full of atheist? 

how do you live when the ground is crumbling beneath you and the sky is falling above you?

...because in america we die young

Please forgive me

For the pages of my history have been ripped out

Formed into a forgotten manifestation of time,

And stowed away in the yesterdays of my past.

My ancestors cry.

Another generation lost and blind

Through cobwebs and dust bunnies

My heart pulsates through the text of history

Burning through layers and layers of false contentment

But privilege continues to paralyze the fight in our community

Hoses down progress and spits on opportunity

My heart beats in vigorous anticipation for change

But nestled within my confident demeanor

Reluctance!

A toxin to our society, constrains

Because in America we die young

Mocked by the steps to anywhere,

In an attempt to go somewhere

Privilege topples the fragment of opportunity that exist upon my fingertips

We continue to fight against the tide,

But I still dream in tomorrows.

As hope simmers in my tocks,

As ambition carries my ticks

I am motivated by my grandmother’s voice of conviction and peace

But some days can feel like years of unforeseen burdens

As bloodlines are dismembered by systematic failures

Who are we to turn to?

Because in America we die young

Brainwashed by perfectly orchestrated hypocrisies

True challenges are not left to the imagination

But upon the doorsteps of progress

Between the fine line of persistence and dedication

Who am I to reach beyond my means?

To dream through the hands of time

My ancestors’ tears keep my dreams afloat

I refuse to lose sight of the prize

I apologize for the inconvenience

My heart beats with vigorous anticipation for change

I fear we have more yesterdays than tomorrows

As we lose sight of our reality today

One day my granddaughter will read…

In America we die young

...around the riverbend

i fear that the two biggest decisions of my immediate life have risen into the works beyond my control.

Dreams never seem to fall far from the tree...

Evidence Submission 1: I dreamed about the one thing I am "pending" in my current times. I dreamed about my first year in medical school. Pure happiness and unwavering beauty. I dreamed my hard work had paid out. My hope had finally transformed into a dream come true. I loved it. I took that dream with stride and kept the motivation towards such an uncertain goal.

Evidence Submission 2: I dreamed of love. Not just simple love. I dreamed of marriage. Like the wedding. Scary. I know I will get married one day but I NEVER had a dream about it. I woke up thinking "did I really just dream about marriage" I don't even think about that on a daily basis like medical school. But I know when the time comes, the time comes.

Follow up of 1: Hopefully in one year this is a dream come true. Literally! It's always on my mind because I am working towards it. I am, at times, uncomfortable with the uncertainty, but I trust and have the passion to move forward.

Follow up of 2: Yea, I have no idea when this is to come to pass. I don't even have a boyfriend yet. I have friendly relationships with potential, but I never initiate just appreciate. Maybe I should change that. I did think about that tendency a couple days ago, but I didn't think I would dream about marriage like I did last night. What am I suppose to do?

Maybe we keep going in circles, maybe I am making something out of nothing. Maybe I will put a cherry on top of the relationship, maybe I won't, maybe I am scared, concerned, afraid of losing the friendship. Maybe I should be. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. (Reminds me of Marsha, Marsha, Marsha lol).

When it comes to relationships I have too much patience for the maybe and not enough courage to prevent the what if. But life is about putting yourself in uncomfortable situations in order to make progress. But that's a lot of pressure to put on a relationship. It makes NO sense to start a relationship when the notion of marriage! Marriage is futuristic, but maybe love can happen now. In due time...

...laughter embedded between tears

If laughter sometimes leads to tears, why cant all tears lead to laughter. All hard work lead to success and all obstacles lead to triumph. Tears may be shed in the process, even blood (though unlikely) may be shed. Nothing is beyond the reach of achieving a dream. But in order to do this I must focus, I must work on myself. Through these tears laughter will rise in appreciation of the moments of tomorrow and yesterday. So...

I am working on myself. 

Not my family, my friend, or that stranger over there. 

I am working on myself.

That is nothing against everyone else. But how can I not choose to work on myself? Life is a domino effect, nothing happens without affecting something else. 

Newton's Third Law: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

So when I have my stuff together, then the world will be affected (hopefully positively). I am not shooting for complete and utter satisfaction in order for the world to reap the benefits. No, I am taking it one day at a time. 

Small successes for the greater good. 

Attempting to define and fulfill my "purpose" in the world. Even though purpose sounds so deep and ambiguous, its the most appropriate term in this situation. 

Answering an unasked question without actually answering the question, the story of my life.

...beat up newspapers and burnt out candles

it used to smell like roses
freshly picked from the afternoon
there once was time for laughter
but somethings missing from this room
the sun shines like a lantern
flickers through the ticks
as tocks roll off the sofa
as dust settles, silence sticks

there was hope on the windowsill
happiness in the frame
nothing ever feels quite right
the minutes after rain
the day was once so beautiful
a moment to remember
but nothing feels like spring time
when its the middle of december

i closed my eyes and dreamed
that this day would pass more soon
i vowed to never speak
my heart motioned a new tune
your presence now a fragile doll
embedded in my mind
caution takes its toll on me
i wished youd send a sign

are you happy where you are
do you think of me the same
my tomorrows are so tangled
i fear i wont remember your name
ill place you where i wont forget
where nothing will interfere
with the many joys you brought to me
ill hold your love so dear

my life is no a commercial
i can not change the channel
ill keep you like a hoarder
next to the beat up newspapers
and burnt out candles

...secret avenues and alleyways

sometimes you have to put yourself in uncomfortable positions in order to see a change...the world is a concoction of uncomfortable positions but the demeanor at which people approach these moments dictates the outcome...courage is the root of progress and fear is its fire but its not what keeps success burning through time

i have to be my own match, my own light, my own fire...no one is going to define my success other than myself...and no one should

many days i keep my mouth shut about a lot of things...about a number of people...and about many situations...it could be because of respect or the lack there of....it could be the time and the desire not to waste it...but how can i say this unstereotypically and politically correct....the only race i am trying to advance is the black race...everything else is a resource to get to where i want to be...because like my forefathers im working to stay in the game and still knocking on the door waiting to get in at times

now i know that i have it better than my family of yesterday...i understand that...but who is going to tell me that its all sunshine and roses everywhere i go...no they stopped blatantly mocking us a while ago...now its all a facade...they mock us in silence...handing us a ticket to disappoint as they watch in the box seats..applauding the show...elagantly and classically smiling at the modern day sambos

but its okay, i will make my way, and smile as i pass you saying have a nice day

its not your fault...its your naive acceptance of the roles dealt out in this society...its not your fault...its your ignorance when it comes to the contrasting starting lines...its not your fault....its your reluctance to speak when it comes to your handed success in secret avenues and alleyways

...eagles dont hang with chickens

DREAM BIG or go home!!!

It's that simple! If everyone is so reluctant to try and fail then no success will ever come from a situation. So I put myself out there, in an uncomfortable position to get what I wanted. I thought that the people around me, black, white, old, and young, deserved an opportunity to be motivated to get what they wanted, no matter their situation.

Reluctance is the death of our society! 

Can you ever fail too much? That's like asking, can you ever learn too much? Life is a classroom and you miss everything if you arrive too late, you fail if you dont try, and you die if you are content with failing. I am not going to sugar coat the truth. No one has time for that.

If you arent trying to make a difference and add value then you are failing at your purpose in life, whatever that may be. Dont sell yourself short before you even start reach for the "dream/hope/goal".

I know what I want and what I have conflict with each other. Like oil and water they dont quite blend. I am not going to waste my time shaking it up with the hopes of making a homogenous mixture. No, I dont have time for that. My glass will be half full of what I want and I will continue to fill it with what I always need.

...tightropes and paperweights

sometimes the ticks dont easily run into tocks

sometimes nights cant come fast enough

sometimes days dont come soon enough

sometimes im worried

but right now

im scared

-----------------------------------

sometimes i wonder if i want it too much

sometimes im afraid i dont want it enough

sometimes im confident in what ive done

sometimes im ashamed of what i havent

sometimes i know i will work it out

but right now

im scared

---------------------------------------------

Its all a balancing act and I'm trying not to fall, not to breathe too suddenly, or move too quickly. It's not as easy as people paint the picture. They tend to leave out the feeling of discomfort.

I feel uncomfortable. 

What I want, need, and will get, may differ so drastically that I will not be able to decipher between the reality of my situation. No one said it would be handed on a plate to me. No one said I will have to lose in order to ultimately gain. No one said it would feel like this. No one told me I would be this scared. 

No one said I would feel like I was on a moving training being told to jump or a tightrope being pushed to move. No one said I would feel like I was on the edge of almost and not enough every day. No one said I would not regret my decision, but question if my next one would be worth it or not. 

No one said.

Maybe I wasn't listening. Maybe my daydreams got in the way of the reality of the situation. Maybe my optimism was too blind to be realistic and anticipate the mountain I was trying to move. Maybe it's my fault for dreaming too big, reaching too far, hoping too long. 

Maybe it's me.

But I can't help myself. Even with this overwhelming feeling of discomfort I have courage. My fear is silenced as I wake up striving to get just a little bit closer. I am not really a fan of the idea of being content with what I may settle for. No!

If I jump, I am committing myself like an arranged marriage, reluctant at first, but hopeful and confident that it will work out to be the best decision of my life. 

If I fall, it won't simply be from standing. No, I will be flying even with gravity being the only thing working against me.

...ladybugs on windowsills

days are nothing more than moments of time waiting to be taken a hold of, clinched, grasped, and hung from the doorsteps of our passions, dreams, and desires.

i never knew anyone that wanted something as bad as him...you could see the fire in his eyes and the passion in his heart....his soul sang with such conviction...he takes his moments as they come, twisting and turning them into the next stepping stone to achieve his dream...it's beautiful

when i see him he is my ladybug on the windowsill...my sunshine on a rainy day...he is wishful thinking come true...he is day dreams in the afternoon...and sunsets in the morning...impossible is nothing

...seven seconds til take off

if you're not working with me, you're working against me

I always have this feeling that if anything good or bad were to happen then it would happen in seven seconds. Seven, the unlucky lucky number. I am not cautious because I always think something bad will happen. No. I am cautious because I can't help but wonder what's next. What should I be prepared for? Would it help to be prepared? What is preparation anyway? And with caution, I am accompanied by fear. I am scared. It's that easy.

I do want it. Whatever it eventually is? I have my ideas but it's so out of my control and in my control at the same time that I am going crazy.


Conveniently uncomfortable is the story of my life. 


A teetering balancing act that continues to pick up the pieces...i am trying...i am a working progress. If tomorrow wasn't so cloudy then maybe I could have more confidence in the coming ticks. But no. I keep stumbling between today hoping i will fall into the moment of my life. I only have seven seconds til take off...what will i do? what should i do?

...one day youll read this

There always comes a time when nothing you think matters, really doesn’t matter.

So there comes a time…when everything is beautiful, yet confusing. I don’t know what’s going on. But I do know why a caged bird sings. I have always known. They say because it once was free, literally free to roam, to get lost, to fall and get up. But that’s not it. A caged bird sings because it knows what freedom feels like, emotionally…mentally… personally. Physical freedom is relative (conveniently and situationally defined) and still restricting. Emotional-Mental-Personal freedom is freedom in its purest form. Internal. Uncontested. Unbiased. Freedom.

I want freedom. Everyday I feel like driving. I hate driving. I love driving. I want to put gas in the car (with no financial limitations) and just go. Not run away (people don’t run away the run towards). Just drive. Towards a timeless destination…for however long…with no one in particular...with someone (optional)…completely for myself in an unselfish way. Have you ever passed by a city and wondered what the people were like? I want to stop in those cities. See and hear what makes life worth living for everyone and anyone that will give me the time of day. I always wonder if I told my story (assuming I have one worth telling) would someone truly listen. Would they be interested? Intrigued? Disgusted? Something? It takes time to find out if your story is worth telling. To find out what really matters. I don’t want to sing, that would be the death of me.

Again. There comes a time when nothing you think matters. The clothes you put on are stitched fabric no matter how you wear it. The food you eat will be decomposed by bacteria in your stomach no matter how much you spend on it. The tomorrows of today mean nothing unless you make yesterdays worth remembering. Time is the only thing that matters. Ticks. Tocks. Nothing matters but time matters. But even time is relative. Measurable. Priceless. Confusing in a “what came first the chicken or the egg” type of way. Because time isn’t simply about the ticks or the tocks. It’s about the moments. The moments that make a life worth living, remembering, experiencing.

So I want to drive. I want to take, steal, permanently borrow time and drive. I want to embrace the moments that come to me. Drive. Let time be the only thing that can catch up to me. I want to live. Not in a fairy tale type of way but a “I would not have it any other way” type of way. Everything happens for a reason. Some people are rich by effort or by inheritance. Some people are talented by hard work or chance. Some people are blank by this or that. Well I am not some people. I am me. Good old me. Hand crafted flaws and perfect imperfections. So I say, everything happens for a reason. I want to have the awareness to embrace these occurrences. Not necessary understand because that could literally take a lifetime.

Everyone has a story.

There are billions of millions of stories out there. I am one. I can’t write my story. I can influence it and I can document it. I can not write it. I can turn pages. I can take my time and drive slow. Nothing matters but time matters…but time doesn’t really matter, moments matter. The moment a caged bird sings is the moment when time is being lost between the ticks waiting to exhale into the fabric of life