...tightropes and paperweights

sometimes the ticks dont easily run into tocks

sometimes nights cant come fast enough

sometimes days dont come soon enough

sometimes im worried

but right now

im scared

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sometimes i wonder if i want it too much

sometimes im afraid i dont want it enough

sometimes im confident in what ive done

sometimes im ashamed of what i havent

sometimes i know i will work it out

but right now

im scared

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Its all a balancing act and I'm trying not to fall, not to breathe too suddenly, or move too quickly. It's not as easy as people paint the picture. They tend to leave out the feeling of discomfort.

I feel uncomfortable. 

What I want, need, and will get, may differ so drastically that I will not be able to decipher between the reality of my situation. No one said it would be handed on a plate to me. No one said I will have to lose in order to ultimately gain. No one said it would feel like this. No one told me I would be this scared. 

No one said I would feel like I was on a moving training being told to jump or a tightrope being pushed to move. No one said I would feel like I was on the edge of almost and not enough every day. No one said I would not regret my decision, but question if my next one would be worth it or not. 

No one said.

Maybe I wasn't listening. Maybe my daydreams got in the way of the reality of the situation. Maybe my optimism was too blind to be realistic and anticipate the mountain I was trying to move. Maybe it's my fault for dreaming too big, reaching too far, hoping too long. 

Maybe it's me.

But I can't help myself. Even with this overwhelming feeling of discomfort I have courage. My fear is silenced as I wake up striving to get just a little bit closer. I am not really a fan of the idea of being content with what I may settle for. No!

If I jump, I am committing myself like an arranged marriage, reluctant at first, but hopeful and confident that it will work out to be the best decision of my life. 

If I fall, it won't simply be from standing. No, I will be flying even with gravity being the only thing working against me.